Oh the places you'll go!

When I was 18 years old I found myself at one of life's crossroads that scared me to death. I was preparing to leave home and go out in the world on my own...well sort of. I was moving to St. Louis to continue college and I had a great job as a live in nanny, taking care of self sufficient kids for a few hours a day. I had it lucky, a gentle move into the world of being an adult, but still in a warm, safe environment.

I can remember sitting in the truck one night as I waited to pick my father up from work. I started crying, scared of what the future might bring, scared I would be a failure, scared I would disappoint my family...scared of everything. However at the same time I was excited, I was going to be on my own, making my own decisions, not having to ask permission, not having to check in with my parents, not even having to go to class if I didn't want to.  I could do anything I wanted to do, go anywhere I wanted to go, be whatever I wanted to be.

My dad found me sitting there, pondering what life had in store and we sat in the dark talking for a very long time, me pouring out my fears to him and him assuring me that I was smart and could do anything I set my mind to.

Last night I had a very similar conversation with my son.  A former Marine, a recent college graduate who is now working towards his masters degree, he is also a soon-to-be father and is getting ready to start his dream job. 

DJ has always been very confident in his abilities, sometimes overly so, but when he asked to talk to me last night I saw that familiar look of panic in his eyes, that "What am I doing? What if I fail?" look I've seen reflected so many times in the mirror throughout my life.

We talked about his fears, beginning a career in a field he loves...the fear that he won't be good enough, moving far away from home and not having his support network in the next room, being financial responsible for two other people, being a good parent...all the fears each of us face at some point in our lives.

I gave him the same advice my father gave me...embrace the moment, don't let the fear overwhelm you, have an adventure, be responsible, give 110%, learn from those around you, be a sponge...take it all in.  Be true to yourself, be true to your values, do more than what's asked, be friendly, be smart, be respectful, don't be on time...be early.  Listen more than you talk, ask questions, acknowledge your limitations then bust your ass to go beyond them. Yes, you will make mistakes but learn from them, grow from them. Work is important but not as important as your family. Be a good father, be a good partner, never leave the house without telling your family you love them, kiss them goodbye, hug them when you walk in the door. 

I think Dr. Seuss probably said it best when he wrote....

"Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You're off to Great Places!
You're off and away!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go

I'm proud of you son....now go conquer the world!

Happy 23rd Birthday Baby Girl

 

 

Twenty-three years ago tonight I was in labor getting ready to give birth to my second child, my beloved daughter Brandi.

 

My husband kept falling asleep so I told him to go home and not come back until he could stay awake with me, then my dear friend (and at the time co-worker) Betty came to keep me company, feed me ice chips, and keep me focused. I don't know who said the second child delivery is easier...it certainly wasn't in my case.  I was in "hard" labor for 16 hours with my son, but with Brandi it dragged on for 36 LONG miserable hours. 

 

I always considered Brandi my miracle baby and said God had special plans for her.  I shouldn't have been able to conceive (don't worry, I'll spare you the details) but I can so clearly remember the day I took the home pregnancy test, not believing it could be possible but literally on my knees in the bathroom praying for a positive test while I waited for the results.

 

I had a hard pregnancy with Brandi due to a condition called placenta previa. In our case her placenta was completely covering the opening to my cervix and I hemorrhaged often throughout the pregnancy. Every time I rushed to the hospital the doctor was shocked to see her heart still beating.  When I was 6 months pregnant I became very sick with a severe case of pneumonia, so severe that I was hospitalized on Christmas eve and spent the holidays in the hospital. I wasn't getting enough oxygen which meant my baby wasn't getting enough either.  Once again the doctors warned I would probably lose my child, and once again I did not.

 

When Brandi was born she was the most beautiful baby I'd ever seen, she looked just like the Gerber baby with her big blue eyes and cherub face. Within a day of being released from the hospital Brandi turned orange due to jaundice...NOT yellow...but bright pumpkin orange (hence her nick name Pumpkin Head.) She had to stay under lights for several days and we were told if her bilirubin level went up one point higher she would need a complete blood transfer.  All of her blood would be replaced with new blood.  THAT was scary!

 

When Brandi was 5 years old she got chicken pox, not normal everyday chicken pox (although she had those as well), but the type that goes internally and attacks her organs. They were everywhere, on her eyeballs, down her throat...EVERYWHERE!  We came close to losing her then, as a matter of fact when we were finally told she was out of the woods on Thanksgiving Day 1995 the doctor said it was the worse case of chicken pox where the child had not died that he'd seen in eight years.  Yes,we had so much to be thankful for that year.

 

Birthdays have always been a big deal in our family, what better reason to celebrate than the day your reason to live was born. 

 

I can't imagine a life without Brandi in it...the thought is incomprehensible to me. I know she's sick, but she's a fighter...the past 23 years has shown us that.  My daughter is my hero, she's every good part of me with a little of her own sassiness added in. She's beautiful and witty, and has a heart as big as all out doors.

 

She's the reason I walk, run, ride, advocate, educate, and volunteer.  I will do anything, fight anyone or anything to keep her safe and happy. I will not let diabetes take her life and rip her away from me or her own precious child. She's the strongest person I have ever known and I aspire to be just like her if I ever grow up.

 

I love you my precious pumpkin head.  Happy, HAPPY Birthday!

 



A terrible way to gain perspective.

 

 

Monday did not start off well.

 

I got off work at  6 am, came home and did my chores then went to bed to get a couple hours of sleep before hitting the bike trail to get some much needed training in.

 

I haven't been sleeping well lately, usually no more than two hours and then I wake up bright eyed and ready to get things done.  I thought that's what would Monday morning, I hoped that's what would happen...that's not what happened.

 

When my alarm went off at 10:30 I let out an audible groan and fought the urge to throw my clock across the room.  I was tired after a long night at work and had been sleeping really well, so well that I think it's possible that I might have even slept a full eight hours if that damn alarm clock hadn't gone off.

 

I stumbled out of bed, got dressed and headed downstairs to to put the bike rack on my car, a task  I've probably done half a dozen times with no problem, but yesterday I looked at it and had no idea how to put it on. Perhaps it was because I was so tired, perhaps because I was in a foul mood at the kink in my training plans (I couldn't wake DJ up to watch Bella), or perhaps it's because my memory is going to hell because I'm not exactly young anymore. Whatever the reason it took me about 15 minutes to do a 3 minute task.

 

Next my bike and Bella's tandem bike had to go on the rack, which meant another fight with rubber straps that didn't want to attach properly...but that's a slapstick story that will have to wait for another day.

 

Back inside to fill up my three water bottles only to find that all three were missing. How do you lose THREE water bottles!

 

Bella and I finally made it to the spot we were suppose to meet Elma and off we all went to ride, but I was in a horrible mood and probably not much fun to be around.

 

Here's what I hadn't counted on. Riding a 5 year old on a tandem bike for 4 miles is a LOT different than the quick trip around the parking lot we took when I bought it.  The tandem probably weighs about 50 lbs and Bella weighs close to the same so it was an additional 100 lbs had to pull. Then Bella decided the tandem bike she had LOVED riding only a few weeks before scared her and she started screaming and begging me to stop. So stop I did, consoling my granddaughter and assuring her she wasn't going to fall off.  Back on the bike and the screaming started again, this time because her helmet was coming off.  I stopped again, checked the helmet and assured her it was just fine. Then Bella decided she wants to walk...absolutely not, I wasn't training to walk I was training for a ride and she was going to get on that bike and let me ride!

 

For the first two miles I heard a constant, "Mama, SLOW DOWN", but since I was barely going fast enough to keep upright slowing down wasn't really an option. By the time we reached the end of the trail she decided she actually liked riding and wanted to continue, but I had decided it was one of the most stupid ideas I'd ever had and called DJ until he finally woke up, then begged him to come get Bella.  Then we were back on the bike for the return trip to the parking lot where we would meet DJ.  About a mile into the return trip we  hit a hill that didn't seem very steep when we went down it but was taking everything I had in me to get up. 

 

That's when I went to breathing hard from exercising to a full blown asthma attack.

 

Now everyone with asthma knows the first rule is that you ALWAYS carry your inhaler with you, so I reached into the little bag I keep on my bike for my inhaler...and it wasn't there.  Then I remembered that I had taken it out of my bag and put it in my purse...which was safely locked (and well hidden) in my car...over a mile away.

 

As my weezing got worse I heard Elma yelling at me to pull over and stop, but there was no way I was going to stop...I HAD to get to my inhaler.

 

I kept peddling and it was getting impossible to breath, the loud weezing breaths grabbing the attention of the walkers as I rode past. I started to feel light headed and a quick glance at my hands showed that the skin under my nails were a deep purple, a sure sign I wasn't getting enough oxygen.

 

We finally reached the parking lot and my inhaler and although it took 6 puffs (instead of my normal 2) before I was able to breath normally again, the crisis was over.

 

Bella was sent off with DJ and I was ready to ride some more so off we went.

 

Elma and I rode another eight miles before calling it a day and as we climbed into our cars we both received emergency news alerts about the bombings at the Boston Marathon.

 

For several minutes we sat side by side in our cars reading as the event unfolded, horrorified at what was coming across our phones.  Through tears we said goodbye, in a hurry to get home and turn on the news.

 

Sitting in my living room staring at the images coming across my television I realized how petty I had been during our ride.

 

So what if I was tired?. I knew when I signed up for the Ride to Cure that training would be hard and involve sacrifice, but the first really tough day and I was whining like a spoiled child. 

 

I was ashamed that I lost my temper and snapped at Bella when she didn't want to get back on the bike.  Would it have killed me to go back to the car and wait until DJ could come and pick her up? 

 

And not having my inhaler with me was inexcusable. Although my asthma is normally well controlled it's still there waiting on the sidelines and I know from experience to always have an inhaler with me.  I've had several severe asthma attacks that have landed me in the hospital, one almost killing me... I KNOW asthma can be deadly yet I put myself and Bella in danger because of my own thoughtlessness.

 

Now as I watched the horror on the news I couldn't stop thinking about those that were truly suffering, those whose lives had been altered or taken within a span of seconds. I thought about the physical and emotional suffering of the hundreds of people who were injured and their families.

 

Then I thought about the people who were running in the race, many of them just like me. People who dedicated months, even years, to participate in an event to raise money for a charity that was important to them.  People who may now be dead because they wanted to do something good for others...people who at the very least would never realize their dream of hearing bystanders cheer them on as the approached the end of their race or the satisfaction of crossing the finish line and achieving their dream.

 

It was a hell of a way to learn that I needed to keep things in perspective.

 

From this day forward I'm going into the Ride to Cure experience with a new perspective. I'm still riding for my daughter, and for your child, and for millions of other people with diabetes I will never meet....but when I cross that finish line in August I'll also be crossing it in honor of all the people who weren't able to cross it in Boston on Monday.

 

I ride for Brandi...I ride for you...and now, I ride for them.

 

 

 

 

 

 





Angel Unaware

Sometimes in your life a person reaches out to you when your overwhelmed and struggling with life's obstacles and a beautiful friendship is born.  This is exactly what happened between me and my beloved friend Moira McCarthy Stanford.

I'd never heard of Moira prior to last year, which is pretty amazing in itself because if your involved in diabetes advocacy in even the smallest way her name is going to come up. Moira is involved in EVERYTHING that has to do with research, fundraising and advocacy...but I was living in a bubble that consisted of only work, raising Bella, and keeping my daughter alive and had never heard of her.

If I'm completely honest I have to admit that I don't even remember why we started talking, but I do remember that she initiated the contact during one of Brandi's many hospitalizations. We belong to several of the same diabetes groups on Facebook and she read about our struggles. She wrote and made it clear that I could call, text or message anytime, day or night. She was there for me and my family. She made me feel not so alone. That's a pretty important thing to know when your daughter is at death's door.

Last year was by far the worse our family has ever had as far as Brandi's health. She was in the hospital more than she was home, diabetes was trying it's best to kill her, we discovered she was having hundreds of absence seizures a day, her weight dropped to a dangerously low 93 lbs...but the worse part was the arguments Brandi and I were having. She hated how I tried to micro-manage her diabetes and I hated that she wouldn't just let me do what I do best...control her life so I could keep her alive.

Even after we'd been talking for a few weeks I still didn't realize "who" my friend Moira was, as far as I was concerned she was just another D-Mom who was fighting the same battle we all were...trying to keep her kid alive. One night in the hospital I decided to read her blog and found that she had survived what I was smack dab in the middle of...being the mother of a young adult with diabetes.  Not only was she surviving it but she was excelling at it!

Moira has an amazing list of accomplishments; she has served as New England JDRF Chapter President, as Chairmom of Children's Congress 2005, National Chair of Grass Roots Advocacy, Volunteer of the Year in 2007 and as national Outreach Chair. She works as a contributing editor for SKI Magazine and as winter sports editor of the Boston Herald. She formerly worked for the New York Times. She is the author of five books...no make that SIX books, her newest book "Raising Teens with Diabetes: A Parent Survival Guide" is being released in June. All this is impressive and deserves my respect...but that's not why I love her.

I love Moira because she has taught me through her actions, that it's okay to let go. It's okay to let your "adult child" manage their disease. It's hard...a real struggle at times, but it's what we spent years training them to do. She taught me that sometimes Brandi will make mistakes in her treatment, but that's how she will learn. She taught me that sometimes I need to keep quiet in order for Brandi to hear me, that actions speak louder than words, and to have faith in my child.

You know what...she was absolutely right!

I've backed off nagging at Brandi to check her blood sugar all the time, and found that she checks it on her own.  I don't monitor every morsel Brandi puts in her mouth...and found that she makes better food choices without my prodding.  Brandi and I are at a much better place in our relationship now than we were a year ago. Although she will always be my baby, I accept that she's no longer a child and treat her as an adult.

Moira inspired me in other ways as well. I take time for myself now, knowing that Brandi is staying on top of her diabetes management. It doesn't sound like much but for someone who had NO life outside of work and taking care of her sick kid it's quite an accomplishment. 

She inspired me to do more volunteering at our JDRF Chapter, and in doing so I've met some AMAZING people (special shout out to Linda Short, another D-Mom I adore), and after watching her training journey and debut Ride to Cure Diabetes last year, she inspired me to get my butt off the couch, get a bike and start training so I can ride next to her in this years Ride to Cure and raise thousands of dollars for diabetes research and hopefully a CURE!

Today Moira told me that her publisher is giving her an advance copy of her new book to raffle of to anyone who donates $10 to her Ride to Cure. Here's a link to learn all the details:

http://despitediabetes.com/win-a-copy-of-my-new-book-two-months-before-release-the-one-where-i-hope-youll-try-and-share/

I hope you'll click on the link and donate $10 to her ride, that's right...I'm asking you to donate to HER ride instead of mine (although donations to both are greatly appreciated), get your name in the drawing to win her new book, I know I am.

And Moira, if you're reading this please know how much you are loved, not just by me but by thousands of other parents who are struggling with their child's diabetes. You are like a beacon in the dark to us, and our lives are better because you are in it.

I love you my friend.

Top 10 Reasons Diabetes SUCKS!

Yesterday was one of those days when I wished diabetes was a living, breathing person that I could punch in the throat....literally, I was so filled with hatred of the disease I wished I could physically hurt it the way it was hurting those I love.

That's not to say I ever feel great about diabetes, after all it's been doing it's best to kill my daughter for the last few years, but today I learned one of my dearest D-Mom friend's son was in intensive care due to his diabetes.  I'm tired of this disease, I'm tired of what it does to our kids, so in an effort to vent my frustrations I decided to write a 10 Reasons Diabetes Sucks list.

Reason #10 -  LACK OF PUBLIC EDUCATION

With so many types of diabetes out there you'd think we could have some more differentiating names than Type 1 and Type 2.  I've even heard of adult onset T1 referred to as Type 1.5

Really?!?

I have loved ones with Type 1 and Type 2 Diabetes and it really kind of ticks me off that they're all clumped together in the public mind. Both can have devastating affects on those afflicted and each should be identified as a separate and unique condition. Two fellow D-Moms are working hard in an effort to get the names changed and I'd really appreciate you taking a moment to sign the on-line petition by clinking HERE. (Thanks for all your hard work Jeanette and Jamie!)

Reason #9 - UNCERTAINTY AND NEVER ENDING FEAR

I am a very confident woman, but there have been times when my uncertainty regarding a diabetic related issue has had me in tears...and we're 8 years into life with the big D!  I remember what it was like when Brandi was newly diagnosed and I see those same fears everyday in my interaction with newly diagnosed families.

Reason #8 - CRUEL ADULTS AND CHILDREN

Diabetes is a lot to deal with by itself, but when you add cruel people to the mix it will drive you crazy.  Children who refuse to interact with your child, complain about "special treatment" such as extra snacks or trips to the nurses office, or ridicule them because of their illness. And then there are the adults who THINK they know about diabetes but don't have a freaking clue about the reality of living with diabetes. 

Seriously, if one more person ask what we did to "cause" Brandi to get sick, tells me her diabetes is curable if she would only (fill in the blank), or tells me she shouldn't be "allowed" to eat certain foods I may lose mind!  No one "caused" Brandi to get sick, it was nothing we did or didn't do...it's a freaking autoimmune disease people!  We're no more responsible for her getting diabetes than a fork is responsible for a person gaining weight.

Reason #7 - CARB COUNTING

The majority of diabetics who are insulin dependent must count every single stinking carb that goes into their body in order to figure out the correct insulin dose for a meal. You'd think it would be easy but it's not, mostly because of the poor nutritional information available for the foods we eat.  Getting a correct carb count means measuring and weighing each portion of the diabetic's food. This can be a real problem when dining out since the majority of restaurants have no idea what their food's nutritional values are, and it's a big headache when making meals from scratch at home. Let's not forget birthday parties, school parties, slumber parties, dinner at friend's houses, teenagers eating at a mall....sometimes it's just impossible so we guesstimate...and more often than not we're wrong.

Reason #6 - NEEDLES, TEST STRIPS, and CO-PAYS

Diabetes is expensive...and by that I mean diabetes is REALLY expensive. We're lucky because I have decent insurance and Brandi now qualifies for Medicare due to her disabilities, however there was a time not so long ago when that wasn't true.

When Brandi first became insulin resistant she was on an insulin pump, a handy device but one that takes quite a bit more fast acting insulin than the combination of fast and slow acting insulin that are taken by injections. She took so much insulin that my insurance wouldn't cover it all so every month I was paying for 2-3 bottles of insulin at over $300 each.  There were a few years when her co-pays for doctors and medications were $800 a month, EVERY month...sometimes more. I'm a
9-1-1 Dispatcher so needless to say I don't make a hefty salary...I don't know of anyone in emergency services who does. This meant I had to work overtime...a LOT of overtime...which took me away from my sick child. It was a no-win situation for us.

Then there's the needles and test strips, we go through an average of 8000 test strips a year..when you consider a bottle of 50 test strips cost an average of $50 you can see the problem. The other problem with test strips is that you find them EVERYWHERE!  Clinging to your clothing, on a car seat, in your bed, the washing machine...we even found one in the refrigerator once!

Reason #5 - MOOD SWINGS

My daughter is one of the sweetest most caring people you'll ever meet, but if I'm being totally honest I have to tell you there are times her mood swings are so bad I want to hug her till her tongue turns black.  Okay, not really...but you get the point.

When blood sugars are out of whack our beloved diabetics can get mean...really mean...and sarcastic...and weepy...and did I mention mean?  It's not their fault, crazy blood sugar levels can take a mild manner person and turn them into someone unrecognizable.

Reason #4 - HIGHS AND LOWS

I've said it before and I'll say it again...Diabetes has no rhyme or reason, it simply doesn't follow the rules. 

Sometimes watching my daughter's blood sugar is like watching an extended tennis game with her blood sugars volleying back and forth...she's high, she's low, no she's high again. This can happen several times throughout a day and it really wears them out.

Extended high blood sugar levels cause so many long term health problems for our diabetic loved ones; blindness, amputations, kidney failure, significantly higher risk of heart attack or stroke. Low blood sugar can cause seizures, loss of consciousness, and cardiac arrest.

Reason #3 - NEUROPATHIES

A well controlled diabetic may go years, sometimes even their whole life without developing neuropathies, but that's not the case for my daughter.

Brandi has two types of neuropathies; Autonomic (which affects the nerves that control the involuntary functions of the internal organs) and Sensory (nerves discharging spontaneously on their own causing her to feel things which are not truly occurring.) For Brandi the sensory neuropathy

causes burning pain or a sensation of walking on ground glass, orfeeling knife-like jabs in the legs.

Watching my daughter suffering with so much pain is sometimes more than I can bear.

Reason #2 - SLEEPLESS NIGHTS

As mentioned in Reason #4, blood sugars can rise or drop quickly and sometimes for no apparent reason and blood sugars are infamous for bottoming out while our children sleep. This means we parents check our diabetic children often...which means we don't sleep more than a couple hours between nightly blood sugar checks.  Some may say we are hyper vigilant...and they'd be correct, but I'm okay with that because we're talking about my kid's life.

And the #1 Reason I hate diabetes is...DEAD IN BED SYNDROME

I think this is what all of us D-Moms and Dads fear the most.  We kiss our child good night and go to sleep secure in the knowledge their blood sugars are within range and when we check on them during the night or in the morning they're dead.  We believe, although I don't know if it's ever been proven, that dead in bed syndrome is due to a cardiac arrhythmia induced by low blood sugars during our child's sleep.  THIS is the reason we don't sleep all night...we're standing guard and making sure our children wake up in the morning.

Most days we grudgingly accept the changes diabetes as made in our families but sometime when our kids are sick, when we're so tired we cant complete a simple sentence or when we see the dreaded blue candles being displayed signifying the loss of another within our community we can't help but cry out , "Diabetes you SUCK!"

It's the journey...

 

 

Last year I wrote about my dream of participating in a marathon and I decided to make that dream a reality this year.  For months I trained, as a matter of fact I trained so hard I injured my foot.

 

For four months I've been seeing a specialist, hoping and praying I would still be able to do the race, and I must admit it was a very bitter pill when I was told not only was doing the marathon out of the questions, but my foot injury had reached a point where I needed surgery...surgery I'm not willing to have until after the Ride to Cure Diabetes in August. 

 

So for the last 6 weeks I've been hobbling around in a walking cast...the giant, bulky, heavy boot that I have to wear until I give in and have the operation. 

 

Instead of giving up on my dream I decided to modify it to something I hoped was a bit more attainable...a 5K race. Normally a 5K would be a piece of cake, after all, before the injury I was walking 10 miles a day, but now every step feels like someone is shoving a knitting needle from the pad of my foot all the way through to the heel...it hurts...BAD!

 

I knew I wouldn't be able to run, but I hoped I would be able to complete the race today in under an hour if I walked at a brisk pace. I knew it would be a challenge, different from the challenge of a marathon but equally difficult given my current situation.

 

So this morning at 5 a.m., Bella, Elma and I woke up and got ready for the big race.  Elma had

changed her registration from the marathon to the 5K so she could walk with me, and Bella was registered for the Kid's Run.

We started about 1/3 of the way back in the line of participants and everything went well for the first 1/2 mile, then we hit the first hill and the angle on my foot was torture.  My pace slowed and soon people were passing by me...but I kept going.

As the race went on I fell further and further behind, and because Elma wanted to stay with me she slowed her pace to match mine.

By the beginning of the second mile I was trying not to cry...every step hurt more than I could have imagined it would and I honestly didn't know if I'd make it to the finish line, but then a wonderful thing happened...in the distance I saw the big inflatable finish line like a beacon in the night. As I went into the last half mile I knew my foot would literally have to fall off before I'd quit the race. It no longer mattered what my time was or if I finished dead last...I just needed to complete the journey.

As I walked that last mile I thought this must be what it's like for people with Type 1. A cure is in sight but still feels so far away. Our T1s struggle every day, but they never give up, never give in. They're in it to win it and win it they shall.  It may take longer than we'd hoped, it may be painful, there may even be days we want to throw in the towel, but our diabetic community is stronger than that, braver than that, more stubborn.  Giving up is NOT an option.

I finished the race today, coming in at 1 hour, 2 minutes...not bad for a limping woman in a cast, and miracle of miracles I wasn't the last person.  As I crossed the finish line the tears started flowing because I realized I was stronger than I thought, stronger than people give me credit for...just like my daughter and all the other people with diabetes.

So even though I had to modify my dream I now realize it was never about the mileage, it was about the journey. It's about challenging yourself then rising up and meeting that challenge head on.

Today a 5K...in August the 100 mile Ride to Cure...and hopefully soon...a CURE!



Court and Compassion

Well, it's been quite a week.

First, and most importantly the big news for our family is the courts have finally approved our petition to have Brandi and I named as co-guardians for my granddaughter Bella and her biological father no longer as any legal rights.  Before anyone gets in an uproar I want to let you know it was HIS request to terminate his parental rights...a decision we all agree is in Bella's best interest even though our reason is very much different from his.

This has been a long and arduous task. Hiring a lawyer to write and file the petition, having it denied by they courts without so much as appearing before the judge to plead our case...then suddenly receiving a letter saying the judge changed his mind and would consider our request.

Bella has always lived in my home and due to Brandi's declining health I have always been her primary caregiver, however the judge made it clear during our first hearing that we were going to have no special treatment and there would be lots of hoops to jump through...so we jumped.  There were interviews, home inspections, criminal histories. Our life was looked at under a microscope by people whose only job was to judge if I was a good enough person to take care of Bella.

Last Friday was our big court date and I was nervous...REALLY nervous.  We were not told the findings of any of the investigations done on our family and even though I knew Bella was safe in my care I could only hope all the agencies involved realized the same thing. Brandi was very ill that day, much to sick to go to court and she was pretty upset. I told her not to worry, the whole reason we were jumping through all these hoops was because of her health...but inside my heart filled with dread.  CRAP... Brandi wasn't going to be sitting with me in court, no show of solidarity and unity for the judge to see!

When our case was finally called I stood before the judge and was sworn to tell the truth before I was asked to sit and answer some questions from the court.  Most of the questions were pretty cut and dry; our address, how long Bella had lived there, yada, yada, yada...but then the judge asked me to explain to him why we had filed this unique petition instead of me just petitioning to adopt Bella.

I explained to him that Brandi was a wonderful mother who was completely devoted to her child and has done nothing more than love, protect, cherish and provide for her daughter to the best of her ability.  It was never our intent to remove Brandi's rights, just to add me as a legal guardian for the times when Brandi is too sick to carry out her parental duties.

I was then asked to explain Brandi's health problems to the court. I started out well, strong voiced, shoulder's back, I began naming her medical conditions, explaining how Type 1 diabetes with insulin resistance had damaged her body. I did well recounting her hospitalizations, how hard she's fought to live...and then I started talking about the day we were told she needed a pancreas transplant and suddenly I couldn't breathe.  I paused for a moment trying to keep the dam of tears closed, I took a deep breath and asked the judge for just a moment to compose myself, but the judge told me he had heard enough, that it was obvious my daughter was quite critically ill.

Next the guardian ad litem was brought in to address the court. For those of you not familiar with a Guardian Ad Litem it is a person appointed by the court as a representative of the best interest of the child in court cases...and let me tell you, they give nothing away. Pleasant, professional, courteous...and you have no idea what they're thinking!

Our G.A.L. stood before the judge and started telling of her history with our family, how she'd been involved with us for three years since the time Brandi originally petitioned for custody of Bella.

She spoke of Brandi's love of Bella and how even though she was sick she was like a mother bear protecting her cub.  She spoke of my love for Bella and how I had proven my devotion to her since the day she was born.  She spoke of our entire family unit and how we are in fact several people making up 1 strong unit.  She told the judge how well behaved and respectful Bella was and how she was obviously happy and well adjusted.  She absolutely gave us a glowing recommendation and told the judge it would be a travesty if our petition was not approved.

Next they discussed the finding of the home study and I was told it gave basically the same information the judge had just heard from the G.A.L.  In short...we passed with flying colors.

So on Friday, March 29th Brandi and I legally became Bella's co-guardians and the man who is her biological father had all parental rights stripped by the court.  It was as if a giant weight was lifted from my shoulders, no one can ever take Bella from us now.

After the ruling in our favor I waited in the hallway outside the court room for my attorney, and that's when a truly amazing thing happened.

As cases were heard and the people left the court room each person came up and told me how much hearing our family's story affected them.  One woman told me she was inspired to drop her case against a family member because she now realized what a "piece of piddly ass bull-shit" it all really was and wanted to make amends and have their family work together as our family obviously was. Lawyer's came up to offer their support and prayers, people asked if they could give me a hug...one woman told me there wasn't a dry eye in the room as I spoke.

I was speechless.

So now that we have achieved peace of mind we can focus on other things, regular things...non life altering things. We are finally able to have a little normalcy in our lives, and that's something we don't get very much of.