Hope

Those of us in the diabetic community are a pretty diverse group, we have stay at home parents, blue collar workers, business owners, people in emergency services, doctors, lawyers, writers, you name a profession and I'm sure we have someone who works in the field.

I've formed friendships...REAL friendships with people from Scotland, Australia, Mexico, India, Canada, and every state in the union. Communication can sometimes be tricky due to the different languages - more than once I've had to use google interpreter to figure out what was being written but it's worth the effort to learn that even though we live far away we have the same hope and fears.

Some in our group are wealthy, some middle class, and some barely scraping by...but there's one thing that joins us together...one thing that overcomes the boundaries normally set up by social status, governments, and geographic boundaries.

Hope

All of us, without exception live with the daily hope that one day a cure for diabetes will be found, that one day our we or our loved ones will no longer be dependent on daily blood checks and insulin injections to stay alive.

Hope is a powerful thing, it keeps us motivated, keeps us focused,it keeps us sane. 

Being the parent of a child (or in my case adult daughter) with Type 1 Diabetes is challenging because this stupid disease doesn't follow any rules.  One minute their blood sugars can be well within range and an hour later it's so high you're worried about diabetic ketoacidoses or so low you they can slip into a coma and die.  I'm not exaggerating...Type 1 Diabetes really IS that spastic of a disease!

Hope keeps us on task, writing letters to our state legislators, walking and riding to raise money for research, staying up to date on the latest research.  What one of us may miss another will see and share. We're like that in the DOC, we share information, we inspire each other, and we are quick to dole out hugs when managing the disease becomes overwhelming.  I would have never chosen this disease for my daughter, but I'm so thankful for the supportive community and wonderful friends it's brought into our lives.

On April 3rd those of us in the diabetic community will once again come together in a symbolic gesture reminding ourselves and others how important hope is in our lives. It's simple, some might even think it silly, but for us it's important.  On this day, all around the world we will simply write HOPE on our hands, post pictures online and smile knowing that others in our community are doing the same. I encourage all of you to join us, everyone is welcome...it's a small gesture for you but it's the most important thing in the world for us.

So now you know the story behind the Hope you'll see written on people's hands. Hope...four small letters that mean so much.

The end of a dream

For as long as I can remember I've wanted to run in a marathon.  From the first moment I first saw a photo of the throng of people gathered at the starting line of the New York City Marathon in their cute little running shorts and toned beyond belief legs I dreamed of being one of them.  I imagined what it would be like to run for miles without gasping for air, the sweat rolling off me and the inevitable tears of victory as I crossed the finish line.

I'm nothing if not a realist though and I knew I would never be able to actually RUN in a marathon, but last year I decided this year I was going to make my dream somewhat of a reality by walking a marathon.  I love to walk, and at one point not to many months ago I could walk 4 miles with no more effort than other people walked around the block and with very little effort I could walk 10 miles.  I knew without any doubt that I could walk the 26.2 miles needed to complete the marathon, it would be tough but I could do it.

And then I developed a nasty little thing call Plantar Fasciitis. For those of you not familiar with it, it's an inflammation of the thick tissue on the bottom of the foot called the plantar fascia. The plantar fascia is rather important because it connects the heel bone to the toes and creates the arch of your foot.

Anyway....during one of my walks my heel started hurting. Thinking I was developing a stone bruise I decided to take a couple days off to rest my foot, unfortunately it didn't stop the pain. For 8 weeks I hobbled around and iced my foot, but the pain only got worse - to the point where it felt like I was stepping on a large nail every time I took a step.  I finally broke down and went to a podiatrist who gave me the diagnoses and told me it's quite common in people who run or walk long distances and I'd have to stop my walking regiment, do several foot exercises every day, a boot to wear to bed which would hold my foot in a specific position, and have a rather painful cortisone shot in my foot. She warned me that it could take nine months or longer for my foot to be healed, but if I followed her instructions to the letter there was a good chance I could walk my marathon and do the JDRF Ride to Cure.

So I followed her rules.  I stayed off my foot, stopped my daily walks, and had the shot...but the pain continued.  I saw the doctor a few weeks later and had a second REALLY painful injection, and this time wonder of wonders the pain went away...COMPLETELY away.

My hope renewed I went on my merry way, continuing to follow the doctor's instructions to the letter. Life was great and with my doctor's permission I started training for the Ride to Cure.  The doc said I couldn't walk yet, but I could peddle to my heart's content. 

Within a couple months the pain returned so back to the doctor I went. We had a long talk about my foot and the doctor said the time had come to talk about the next treatment option...surgery.  As I sat there listening to her describe the surgery I had only one question...what was the recovery time? Three months...three long months of doing NOTHING, which meant my ride training would come to a screeching halt. That is simply not acceptable to me.

So instead of surgery I chose option number two...several weeks...possibly months...in a walking cast and one last shot.  The boot is big and bulky, but it does make walking less painful, so I've been really good about wearing it as directed, but this time the pain didn't go away, as a matter of fact it's getting worse again...which brings me to today.

This morning I woke up at 3 am with a throbbing foot...so bad I could barely walk. The pain is not only worse, it's different, going all the way to the ball of my foot. As I was limping around making breakfast for Bella I realized that there was no way I was going to be able to walk in a marathon this year...and possibly ever.

It's been a dream for such a long time so it's emotionally painful to know it's never going to happen, but I take comfort in knowing I'll still be doing the Ride to Cure, because as much as I wanted to walk that marathon I want to ride those 100 miles a thousand times more...because raising money for diabetes research is much more important.

So I'll keep training and peddling my legs off so I'm able to complete those 100 miles and when it's over with I'll probably break down and have the surgery to fix my foot.

So today I'm sad because I gave up one of my dreams, but at the same time I'm happy to continue fighting for a bigger - and much more important - dream...a world without diabetes.

Pushing Through

I'm tired.  Emotionally and physically I'm just worn out and all my exhaustion hit me square in the face this morning.

To understand why I'm so tired I need to give you a look at a typical day.  I leave for work at 5 pm and work until 6 am...unless I'm working overtime, then I either work noon to 6 am or 6 pm until noon...that's a minimum of 12 hours a day and several 18 hour shifts a month.  When I get off work I change clothes and go straight to the gym where I ride a stationary bike for an hour normally completing 10 or more miles, then I go swim for 45 minutes to an hour.  After swimming I relax my muscles by soaking for a few minutes in the gym's whirlpool, then I sit in the sauna and sweat for 10 minutes.  After that I shower and go home.

When I get home I make a quick high protein breakfast of scrambled egg whites and cheese with two pieces of diet bread.  By the time I'm done it's after 9 am so I'm off to bed where I sleep for a couple hours, then I'm up taking care of Bella until (if I'm lucky) she's ready to take a nap, then we lay down together and I get another hour or so of sleep before work.  I work all night then go straight back to the gym and begin my day again.

There are some altercations of course.  Sometimes my mom keeps Bella when I'm working and sometimes Brandi is feeling well enough to watch her, but for the most part I'm Bella's primary caretaker.  I'm NOT complaining, just stating a fact. We also have doctor appointments, house cleaning, cooking meals, laundry, grocery shopping...normal stuff that everyone has in their life.

When I'm off and it's nice out I ride my bike after Bella is asleep (DJ and Brandi are home to care for her.) I love riding a real bike and it's important for me to get as much time in the saddle as possible if I'm going to achieve this 100 mile Ride to Cure.  When I first started training I couldn't ride completely around the block, now I can ride 10 miles without any pain... but I need to get to the point of being able to ride a minimum of 70 miles at one stretch before I'm ready for the ride,. so I have a long way to go.

So this morning I got off work and I was exhausted, twelve hours of drama and people screaming will do that to a person. I headed off to the gym determined to get my training in for the day, but when I climbed on the stationary bike something happened....instead of starting the equipment and peddling my little legs off I just sat there staring at the controls, feeling so overwhelmed I wanted to cry.  I sat for a good five minutes just willing myself the energy to start...and I did...eventually.  I sat there peddling and listening to the music, struggling to get my speed up to where it needed to be.  I fought through the machine's hills and just kept pumping for what seemed like hours. Then I made the mistake of looking at the timer and found I'd only been riding for 15 minutes and the tears started to flow.  I knew in my heart I wasn't going to make it a full hour, but I didn't stop until I'd gotten 5 miles done and then I went home and wrote about my failure training on Facebook.

I've been feeling really alone in all this Ride to Cure thing for the last several days.  This is hard work, I mean REALLY hard work...much harder than I anticipated, and it's important that I get the emotional support and motivation I need to succeed, so a couple of days ago I reached out to all my Facebook friends, all my family, the entire diabetic on line community asking for emotional support...a "YOU GO GIRL, YOU CAN DO THIS!" type of support.

I have 453 Facebook friends, the majority of them touched in some way by diabetes. All of my family with the exception of one of my brothers is on Facebook.  My nieces and nephews...almost all are on Facebook.  Then of course there's all the diabetes related pages I posted my request . on. In all I estimate my message was seen by well over 1000 people, but out of all these people less than 20 took a few seconds to post a message of support.

Yeah, I'm feeling VERY alone in all of this.

So I'm going to ask again because I'm running on empty and I need you all to help fill my emotional gas tank. I need support, I need to hear the stories of your children and loved ones with diabetes, I need to see the faces of those I'm fighting so hard to help.  Please, tell me about your families, tell me your stories, send me a picture so I can see their faces.  I would love to make a video composed of these pictures that I can watch while I'm training because seeing their faces, seeing their names and ages...young and old, Type 1 and Type 2....THAT will inspire me to keep going.

If you're willing to share your story and photo to help me please either post them on my Facebook page, send them to me in Facebook Messenger, or email them to me at tmoder762@gmail.com with Inspiration to Ride in the subject line.

I'm not going to quit, I AM going to do this ride...but it would be so much easier if I could see who I'm riding for.

What are YOU doing?

 

 

 

I want to be a part of finding a cure for diabetes.

 

Please notice I didn't say Type 1 diabetes, although I certainly direct a large portion of my time, money and attention to just that goal, but I also want to find a cure for Type 2 Diabetes, gestational diabetes, and every other type of diabetes which exists.

 

I often get the impression that people think one type of diabetes is worse than the other, to me that's like telling someone with cancer that they don't have the "bad" kind...seriously, is there a good type of cancer?  Likewise, there's no "good" kind of diabetes.

 

Type 1 diabetes research is near and dear to my heart because I feel like my family is racing the clock...T1 is doing it's damnedest to kill my child and I am hell bent on making sure that doesn't happen, but I also have two brothers and a best friend with T2 diabetes, and my father, grandmother, and grandfather all had T2 when they died....yeah, diabetes LOVES my family tree!

 

So here's the thing, Type 1 diabetes is a bitch with it's constant blood sugar checks, insulin injections, ketones, neuropathies, increased risks of heart disease, stroke, amputations, coma and death. But people with Type 2 diabetes also have blood sugar checks, medications (normally oral, but sometimes injected), ketones, neuropathies, increased risks of heart disease, stroke, amputations, coma and death. Diabetes doesn't care if you're Type 1 or Type 2, it just wants to make your life hell and kill you before it's your time to go. When put like that doesn't it seem like our two communities should join forces and work together to find cures for ALL types of diabetes?

 

In 2011 the National Diabetes Fact Sheet said 25.8 MILLION adults and children had diabetes...and that was only in the United States. The World Health Organization says 347 MILLION of people have diabetes worldwide...and those numbers are growing every day.

 

So here's my challenge to all of you who have any type of diabetes or who loves someone with diabetes...DO SOMETHING!

 

We need to bring our communities together for the common good.  We need to stop focusing on which type of diabetes is worse and pour that energy into making life better for ALL diabetics.

 

There are so many ways to help, go on any diabetes related organization's website and you'll see lists of fundraising events.  You can walk, you can ride, you can collect pennies at your child's school, or give a dollar to have your name put on a paper sneaker, but there is NO justification for not doing anything.

 

Can't walk? Don't want to ride? That's fine, sponsor someone who is (and NO, this statement is not a veiled plea for people to sponsor me in my Ride to Cure.)  Can't afford to give $5 to sponsor someone, then share links to their fundraising sites with your friends, volunteer for a committee...there are LOTS of diabetes related committees who would appreciate even one hour of your time.  Send emails to your state legislatures telling them about how your family has been affected, make some phone calls, sign petitions asking for more funding, visit your state capital, educate friends and family...the opportunities are endless.

 

And for all you blessed people who have never been cursed with diabetes in your life I only have two words...EDUCATE YOURSELF.  In the last month the diabetes related pages have been blowing up with story after story of people who have died because their diabetes wasn't diagnosed in time. Don't live in a bubble, because it CAN happen to you. Diabetes can hit you or your child with the speed and force of an anvil falling out of the sky and your life will never be the same again.  So get on the internet, go to the library, talk to your doctor, do whatever you need to do and educate yourself so if - God forbid - the symptoms of diabetes suddenly appear you'll recognize them before there's a blue candle lit for the death of your loved one.

 

Imagine a world where 347 million people are working together towards a common cause. Alone we're only 1 person, but together we can be a force to be reckoned with.

 

 

 

 



Happy Birthday Daddy

 

 

Tomorrow is a day our family has been dreading, it's my dad's 71st birthday...his first birthday since his death on January 12th.

 

The last couple of months have been hard...REALLY hard. There isn't a day that goes by that I haven't thought about him and yearned to call him on the phone. I think that's what I miss the most, our daily talks. I really wish I could talk to him now about the whole North Korea thing, he'd be able to tell me everything I don't understand, tell me how real the threat is and if I should be concerned. My dad was like that, always up on current events, knowledgeable on every topic under the sun.  If I was worried about something, he'd tell me if my fears were justified. He'd help break it down and encourage me to view it from every side. Just the tone of his voice could calm me down and make me feel safe.  I knew as long as my daddy was near nothing would harm me.

 

Things have changed since his death, I've gotten a lot closer to my Caledonia family.  My sister Missy told me to start calling them when I would normally call dad.  I followed her suggestion and we speak on the phone or by text daily.  Sometimes we laugh together, sometimes we cry...but the thing that would make daddy happy is that we're getting through this TOGETHER. 

 

Daddy believed the only thing that truly mattered in this world was your family. Jobs come and go, friends and spouses may even come and go, but you should always be there to love and support your kin.  He use to tell me that it's okay to get mad at them, to bicker (although he hated fighting amongst us), but we had to make sure we kept the family love strong, because in the end your family is the foundation that keeps everything else stable in your life.

 

So tomorrow we will gather at my sister's house and we'll spend the day together, celebrating the life of the man we all loved most and I know in my heart my father will be there too.

 

Happy Birthday Daddy, I love you.



My Elma

 

 

Few people have wormed their way into my heart the way my "adopted" daughter Elma has.  I first met my Elma when she was dating my son. During their dating days Elma and I grew close and before long I fell in love with her (in a TOTALLY motherly way.) When I learned she and DJ were breaking up I immediately sat my son down and told him that although their relationship was over I had absolutely NO intention of my relationship with her ending...and it didn't.

 

Elma is Bosnian and it was interesting getting to know her and her country's customs, I mean that in the most respectful way.  Listening to her talk on the phone is a hoot because she switches back and forth between English and Bosnian about 20 times during the course of a conversation. She's not being rude, she just doesn't realize she's doing it. She's passionate about EVERYTHING, even if at times that means she passionately just doesn't care.

 

While we have a wonderful mother/daughter(ish) relationship it has developed far beyond that, she has become one of my best friends.  I talk to her every day without fail, and I know...absolutely KNOW she always has my back, even when she doesn't necessarily agree with me.  She'll talk to me privately about whatever the issue is, but in public she's 100% on my side.

 

She supports me in everything I do. Not in a "You go girl!" way, but in a roll up your sleeves, climb into the trenches next to me way. When I decided to form a team for JDRF's Walk to Cure, she was the first to sign up, when I decide I want to participate in a marathon, she registered too.  When I decide to ride 100 miles in the Ride to Cure...yep, you guessed it...she signed up to ride next to me.  She is there for every Bucks for Brandi fundraising event and not only does she participate, but she works her ass off doing anything that needs to be done. She is as committed to helping get Brandi better as I am, and the love and attention she gives Brandi's daughter is honest and pure. I would trust her with Bella's life, because I know she would die without hesitation in order to keep her safe.

 

Like me, Elma can be loud and outspoken, and like me she sometimes forgets to use her filters. I understand that and we help keep each other in check.  We "get" each other, we love each other, we are committed to each other.

 

I don't think I truly understood the depth of her love and devotion to me until I had a minor stroke several months ago.  As soon as she heard she immediately called me, and even though I assured her I was fine, she immediately came to the hospital and immediately broke into tears when she saw me laying in the hospital bed.  As I held her sobbing form I knew she felt exactly as strongly about me as I do about her.

 

I don't believe blood makes a family, I believe that it's love and respect we have for each other, and in every way that counts Elma and I are family.

 

 

 

 



Lighten up people!

Today I'm going to do something I've never done before here, I'm going to directly respond to comments I've read on Facebook regarding Tom Karlya aka the "Diabetes Dad."  I want to make it clear that I don't know Mr. Karlya, until today I have never had any direct interaction with him (although it's highly possibly one of us has responded to the other's post on one of the diabetes related Facebook pages), I have never talked with him on the phone, exchanged emails and (once again, until today) we were not friends on Facebook.

I've been reading his blog post for a while, as I do most of the diabetes related blogs written by other D-Parents. From his blogs I've learned he has two diabetic kids and he works as a vice-president at the Diabetic Research Institute, and that is literally ALL I know of him.

I woke up this morning to find a link to his blog from yesterday on my Facebook page, left there for me by one of my best friends.  Here's the link so you can read what he wrote in it's entirety.

http://diabetesdad.org/2013/03/04/this-could-be-it-what-we-have-been-waiting-for-since-diagnosis/

While he doesn't say exactly what the "big news" is he is obviously very excited. He is very careful to point out it still a work in progress writing,

"It has some steps to go, and of that we will be clear. Some of the many components will be in clinical (human) trials within the next 12 months or so and some components are ever-changing. But conceptually, you will see, it is the most comprehensive plan and initiative that addresses each key piece of the puzzle that I have ever seen; and working together we will arrive at the end of what has sometimes seemed like a never-ending tunnel. It is real."

 

Luckily, I read this a day late so I was able to immediately go to his blog post for today and see what all the hoopla was about.  Here's the link:

 

 

http://diabetesdad.org/2013/03/05/the-link-is-live/

 

No real information but a link taking us to a video but not before he writes:

 

"As I stated, there is more work to do but this, to me, is clearly the biggest step that I have seen in my twenty years at being part of the diabetes community. The video on the site states it all and we are so excited on the possibilities that lay before us."

 

Once again he's QUITE CLEAR that this is still a work in progress. I eagerly clicked on the link and watched the this video explaining the DRI's recent progress on a project they've named BioHub. Here's the link so you can watch the video:

 

http://www.diabetesresearch.org/biohub

 

About a minute into the video the tears started to flow and then the tears turned into sobs because even though what they're talking about isn't a cure, it is a HUGE breakthrough and can be a life saver to people like my daughter who - no matter how hard they try - are unable to manage their diabetes.  THIS COULD SAVE BRANDI!!!

 

I immediately sent a friend request to Mr. Karlya so I could keep up with any progress he might post on his page, then I sent him a message asking what I needed to do to get Brandi considered for the human clinical trial.  Just for the record...I have not had a response yet.

 

So, my work being done I laid down for a nap in preparation for work tonight.  When I woke up and checked into Facebook I was floored to see some people in the DOC (Diabetic Online Community) were crucifying Mr. Karlya. I read many - but not all - of the post, becoming more angry as I did That's when I knew I had to do something, write something telling my point of view.

 

What the hell people, what has this man done other than share some GREAT news on a new treatment that may help all of our children. When did we turn into a community that turns on one of it's own over some potentially great news just because it's not the CURE we want?  The thing I love most about the DOC is the love and support we all have for each other, so I was mortified by the things I read, up to and including a very nasty post by a person named Brie Jontry (yep, that's right..I'm naming names!) who is not only calling for Mr. Karlya's resignation from the DRI, but also suggesting he give his $202,000 a year salary from the DRI to it's research program to fund this amazing breakthrough instead of his "theatrics".

 

Shame on you Ms. Jontry. I'm sure (but of course have no proof) that Mr. Karlya gives a significant amount of his salary to diabetes research, most of us give every penny we can and then we bust our ass to fundraise too.  So Ms. Jontry, might I suggest that YOU lead by example and give all of YOUR salary towards research....that's right, PUT UP OR SHUT UP!  Don't even think about whining about how much money he makes either, he's the vice-president of the organization for heaven's sake...did you really think he made minimum wage?

 

Since when is it a crime for a D-Parent to be excited about a new treatment? When did it become a sin to share that information? Mr. Karlya NEVER said this was a cure...just that it was a step TOWARDS one.  I'm thankful he shared the information, I'm thankful for this potentially new treatment, I'm thankful for Mr. Karlya.

 

One last thing for those of you who don't personally know me.  I'm not an "ass-kisser" and I DON'T suck up to people...EVER!  I'm not writing this post hoping to get on Mr. Karlya or anyone at the DRI's good side hoping it will help get Brandi in the clinical trials. She will...or won't...be accepted based on the criteria for the trial.  She didn't meet the criteria for the islet cell transplant and she may very well not meet the criteria for the BioHub trial.  Either way I stand by what I write today.

 

And on a personal note...

 

Mr. Karlya, I appreciate your dedication to your children and the diabetic community. I don't know you, but I'd like us to become friends, not just Facebook friends, but "real" friends because you seem like a warm person who genuinely wants to help ALL our children!  You, Mr. Karlya are my type of people!



Choices

 

 

Today was the day I went back to the foot doctor who examined my still painful foot and told me I needed surgery. That would mean 6-8 weeks recuperation time followed by another 4 weeks of physical therapy. This would mean losing at least three months of training for the Ride to Cure, which would pretty much end that dream. I can be cocky, but even I'm not stupid enough to think I can ride a 100 mile bike ride without months of training.

 

 I respectfully declined her recommendation.

Instead I chose her alternate recommendation. Another painful shot in my foot and a minimum of 4 weeks in a walking cast, aqua therapy 5 days a week, and absolutely no unnecessary walking. However she's agreed to let me continue bike training for the Ride to Cure 3 days a week and working on my upper body the other three days. I also promised to do absolutely no exercise one day a week. She warned me that it's going to be very painful and even if I do everything by the book there's a strong possibility my plantar fascia will rupture.

This is a risk I'm willing to take.

I know most of you won't understand my decision but I'm asking for your support. Raising money to find better treatment options for our T1 kids, my adult T1 friends, as well as all the Type 2 diabetics who will benefit is worth every moment of pain I'll go through and any risk of additional injury. 

I will be as careful as possible but the bottom line is that I want a CURE for my daughter and every other diabetic on this planet and I'm willing to do whatever is necessary to make it happen!

Our Bella

 

 

Five years ago today our family received it's biggest blessing in the form of a 10 lb. baby girl named Isabella Grace.

 

Children are miracles but grandchildren are blessings beyond compare. You have the wisdom and experience you didn't have with your own children and patience you didn't know you possessed.

 

We were lucky with Bella, she was a good baby, a sweet toddler, and has grown into a simply amazing little girl who wishes on every star to become a real mermaid...a pretty cute request considering she can't swim.

 

She's a risk taker and loves going on adventures.  She wakes up every morning with a smile on her face and eagerly tells those closest to her how much she loves them.  She loves to sing and dance, so much so that she often breaks out her little pink guitar and happily signs songs she's made up.  Any time she hears music on the television she stops whatever she's doing, rushing to stand in front of the TV and dances her heart out.

 

Turning five is a very special birthday for Bella, it means she's no longer a baby, she's old enough to go to school, ride a bike...to whistle.  She can drink milk out of a "big girl" cup with no lid and knows to carry her dishes to the sink when she's done eating.

 

She has a great imagination and loves to make up stories. She is an expert snow angel maker and Sponge Bob's biggest fan...much to my dismay.

 

She wanted a birthday at Chuck E. Cheese even though she's afraid of the giant mouse so today all those who love her most will gather in the crazy loud restaurant and help her celebrate the most special day in our family...the day our Bella was born.

Happy Birthday my Bella....Mama loves you!

Fat girls have feelings too!

 

Well, it happened.  I knew at some point there was a real possibility someone at the gym was going to give me a dirty look, laugh at me or make a rude comment... what I didn't count on was how much it would hurt my feelings.

I did my normal gym routine tonight.  Checked Bella into the Kid's club then changed into my workout clothes and headed straight to the exercise bikes where I proceeded to peddle my chunky little legs up and down simulated hills for ten miles.  I worked hard and was pretty proud of myself as I headed to the locker room to change into my swim suit and hit the pool to do laps.

For the sake of full disclosure I must admit that me in a swimming suit is not a pretty sight. I'm almost 100 lbs overweight so I could wear the most expensive, tailor made swimming suit and it still wouldn't be very attractive.  I HATE the walk from from the locker room to the pool, but I know it's a necessary evil if I'm going to get in shape. So off I walked with my shoulders back and head held high.

Because of my foot injury I'm not allowed to walk long distances like I once did, but I can walk all I want in a pool because the water takes the pressure off my foot.  It's still uncomfortable, but nothing I can't handle, so I grabbed the foam noodle we use in my water aerobics class and started my walk.  After 10 laps I climbed out of the pool and headed to the hot tub to help my aching leg muscles relax.  As I sat there two young girls came into the pool, probably no older than 18 years old. I didn't pay their giggling conversation much attention until I heard one of them whisper (loudly), "Look, there's that cow that was riding the bike earlier."  Yep, my ears perked right up because I was the only other person in the pool area.

Comments were made back and forth between them regarding my "fat ass" that was too big to fit on the bike seat, the way my fat giggled so much as I peddled that it shook the building, and how I looked like the black hole in my swimming suit.

I was crushed and swept back in time to the 6th grade when I was the kid everyone picked on.  As I fought back tears I climbed out of the the hot tub, rinsed off and headed to the sauna where I burst into tears.

A few minutes later a young (and totally hot) man joined me in the sauna and after sitting quietly for a few minutes asked if I was okay.  I said I was fine and then promptly burst into tears again. All my insecurities poured from my lips, my fear that I would never lose the weight, the irritation that I could no longer do my long walks, hatred of the way I looked, how hard I was working to train for the Ride to Cure, Brandi's fight for life, and the two girls hateful comments.  After the first 5 minutes he moved and sat next to me and started patting my back, encouraging me to let it all out...and I did, for another 10 minutes.  Finally I was cried out and ready to get changed, get Bella, and get the hell out of there.  I thanked him profusely for listening to me and told him how much I appreciated his kindness.

When I opened the door to leave the girls were directly in front of me in the hot tub and as soon as they saw me one of them yelled out, "Watch out, WIDE load coming through!"

The hot, hunky angel I had been talking to jumped to his feet and was out the door in a flash. I watched in amazement as he walked straight to the two girls and said, "This woman is busting her ass to improve herself and help other people. She may be heavy now but one day soon she'll be thin because she's willing to do the work that's needed, but you two will ALWAYS be nothing more that a couple of bitches!"  Then he wrapped his arm around my shoulder and walked me to the door of the women's locker room.

I seriously could have kissed him...and I'm sure my husband would have understood.

This is the first time in 2 months I've faced any negativity at my gym. Sure, there's a lot of thin, well toned people who work out there, but there are also people even heavier and/or older than me.  I'll admit my first instinct was to walk out that door and never come back, but I'm not going to let two immature children derail me from my goal.

So tomorrow I'll go back to the gym, peddle my ass off again and then put on the "black hole" swimming suit and hit the pool, because nothing and no one is going to keep me from climbing on that bike in August and riding those 100 miles to raise money to help find a cure for diabetes.

Especially not those two twits.