There's nothing so bad...

When I was a young girl my father always told me, “Don’tbelieve anything you hear and only half of what you see.”  I didn’t understand what he was trying totell me so one day he took me to a house, parked across the street and asked me what color the house was.  I looked atthe house and told him it was green.

“Are you sure?” he asked.

Looking at him like he had lost his mind I assured him the house was green.

“Why do you think it’s green?”  he asked.

“Umm…because it’s GREEN. I’m looking at the house daddy, I know what the color green looks likeand that house is definitely green.”

“So because you’re looking at one side of a house you’re saying the whole house is green?  Whatif the  back is white, or pink, or blue? What if that part that you can’t see isn’t anything like the part you can see? Looks can be deceiving sis, what you think you see and your perception of what is true isn’t always accurate.  Is the house green…maybe, but then again maybe it’s not. The important part isto step  back from the moment, look at a situation from different angles, get all the information you possibly can and then you can make a definite statement, because sometimes things are not as they appear.”

I’ve carried that lesson with me through life, sometimes I’ve followed it and sometimes I’ve run head long into believing something and later found out it was not true.

The other thing my father instilled in me was the importance of honesty. He believed a person’s word was their honor and as far as I know he never lied to me…EVER (not counting birthdays and Christmas of course.)  If something could hurt me he just never brought it up, but if I came to him and asked he would tell me the truth.  Often the truth was not what I wanted to hear, but it was delivered in a loving and gentle way and we would talk about it in depth, explore our feelings about the topic, and  find out in the great scheme of things exactly how important this information was.

My first mother –in-law was the same as my dad and I wouldoften hear her say, “There’s nothing so bad that a lie won’t make it worse.” Andshe was right.

A few weeks after my first husband died I received a call from my mother-in-law.  We had remained close after Denny and I had divorced and spoke with each other on an almost daily basis, but I knew something was wrong by the tone of her voice. I don’tthink I’d ever heard that serious of tone come from her.

She told me that day that Denny had another child, a son whowas now an adult. She told me that none of them knew until the day of his funeral…including the son, but she had met him and it was true.

I was furious, not because Denny had a child with another woman, but because he had abandoned it and not taken responsibility for his actions. He’d denied this child his right of ever knowing his biological father, he had denied me the right of ever having a relationship with him, and he denied DJ and Brandi the right to know their brother.  He didn’t give us a choice…any of us…and that wasn’t fair. So many people were hurt by one lie. Now the truth was out and Ryan wanted to meet the brother and sister he never knew existed.

I called Denny’s son right away and introduced myself. I don’tremember what all was said but I do remember that he seemed nice and I felt terrible. He assured me he had a good life, a wonderful mother and a father he adored. He had been as shocked by the information as we were, but we both agreed we should all meet.

When the kids came home from school I sat them down and told them the truth. It was hard and I didn’t have all the answers to their questions, but I told them we would be meeting their brother within a few days, and we did.

DJ and Brandi have a great relationship with their brother;they talk with each other often and see each other whenever they can manage toget together. Ryan is a wonderful man, and where he could have a heart full ofbitterness he instead has a heart full of love. I’m grateful for that, I’mgrateful for him. Knowing him, LOVING him, has been a blessing to our family.

I'm not one to talk about deeply personal family matters in such an open forum, but this time I'm making an exception to help two people I love deeply. One person is at a crossroad and either path they choose is going to be hard, but I'm urging them, BEGGING them to do the right thing and take responsibility for their actions. A lot is at stake, lives will be changed, relationships may be irrevocably damaged if the right path is not taken. Just tell the truth so the healing can begin.

To the other person involved I'm asking you to remember that even though you're lost, confused and in unbearable pain now it WILL get better, but a big part of the healing process will be you finding a way to forgive. You're not alone, I'm here for you, you are loved and we'll make it through this mess together.

Sometimes it takes years for the truth to come out, but italways does. I think that was why my dad was always so careful to be honestwith us, because he knew that the truth may be bad, but a liewould only make the situation worse.