Feeling like a failure

Brandi and Hope

As I write this I'm sitting on my couch having a good old fashioned cry. Not a gentle little tear or two rolling down the cheek, but a red eyed, snotty nose, splotched face kind of cry.

After 10 weeks of consistently losing weight, this week I gained 1.8 lbs....but that's not why I'm crying.

This "Dieting for a DAD" that I've been doing has never been about losing the weight...okay, let me correct that statement, it's been a LITTLE about losing weight, but what it's really been about is keeping my daughter alive.

For three years I've watched my daughter fight for her life while I sat by and felt helpless. Do you have any idea what it's like to watch your child while they're unconscious for days at a time? Do you know what it's like to watch them go from a robust athletic child to a walking skeleton? Do you know what it's like to see them be so weak they can't get out of bed or in so much pain they can't put on clothes? Do you have any idea how heart breaking it is to tell your grandchild that they can't hug their mommy because it will hurt her too much? Do you know what it's like to check on your child 10 times a night and wonder as you were walking down the stairs to her room if this was the time you are going to be too late, if this was the time you'd find her dead? Do you know what it's like to have your child sit down and tell you what they want you to do for their funeral? 

I do.

I'm the mom, I'm the one who is suppose to help her, to make everything better...and when we got Brandi's Diabetic Alert Dog things were FINALLY getting better. Hope (our diabetic alert dog) has changed everything.  She alerts...constantly...so we're able to keep on top of the crazy changes in Brandi's blood sugar levels.  We've gone from Brandi spending at least a week or two of each month in the hospital to Brandi being home for 5 1/2 months. Do you know what a miracle that is for us...5 1/2 months with NO hospitalizations...it was beyond our wildest dreams and yet it's happened...and it's all because of Hope.

Hope is expensive...$20,000 for this miracle covered in black fur, but worth every single penny. Unfortunately I don't have a spare $20,000 to pay her off, hell..I work my ass off just to be able to pay the co-pays for the 26 medications Brandi takes everyday, so we diverted our fundraising focus from Brandi's pancreas transplant to fundraising for her D.A.D., because while the pancreas transplant will help her live many more years, there's no guarantee that one will become available in time. That's why her doctor recommended we get a D.A.D. - to keep her alive long enough to actually get the transplant.

From time to time one of the other families raising money for their D.A.D. will post that they received notification that someone heard their story on the evening news or read about it in the newspaper and donated the money needed to pay off their D.A.D.. I'm happy for the families have been blessed with such generosity - really I am -  but I know it's never going to happen for us.

While Brandi is a beautiful young woman with the heart of a warrior, she is not a cute little 5 year old in pigtails whose picture tugs at people's heartstrings. We've tried and tried, we've called, we've written letters and press releases, but the news agencies in our area just aren't interested in doing a story on her fight, which means her story doesn't get out, which means no magical donation will ever happen. 

I'm okay with that, it just means that I need to work harder to raise the money...and THAT'S why I'm crying. I feel like I've failed my daughter.

Our last two fundraisers have been dismal failures. We lost money on the carnival, and barely broke even on the Little People's Gift Shop. We''ve learned important lessons, but lesson's don't pay for a diabetic alert dog.

Dieting for a DAD was a fundraiser that didn't cost me anything but would raise money to help pay for Hope, and all I had to do was eat right, exercise, and lose weight.  It sounds easy enough, but it's not, it's actually really hard...much harder than I thought it would be when I started.

I know why I gained weight this week. I gained weight because I ate crappy food and didn't exercise. It's that simple. I convinced myself if I didn't go over my calorie limit that I could eat anything I wanted and that's not the way it works. I've learned my lesson and it won't happen again...but my renewed determination doesn't gain back the week I've lost.

So I'm going to finish crying, take a shower, and get back on track. I'll lose the weight I gained this week and continue my weight loss fundraiser, but I also need to figure out fundraising ideas that will actually make money because I have to raise another $15,000 to pay off our D.A.D....and no matter what, we can't lose Hope.

Brandi is counting on me and I won't let her down.